13 Reasons

Hey all.

I just finished watching 13 Reasons Why. It took me less than a week. (golly, being unemployed, I have a lot  of time on my hands). But, like most of you probably, I was hooked. Line and sinker. I had to know how it ended. Unlike most of you, probably, it reminded me too much of my own high-school experience.

Now that there’s a spotlight on it, let’s talk about bullying. That’s what this TV show was about, for the most part, wasn’t it? How bullying effects people in ways that you can’t even imagine? How the littlest things from everyone pile up on that one person? How your throw-away comments can be the straw that breaks the camel’s back? Yes. You don’t know what is going on in someones life, so YES, how you treat that person today is their last straw. And YES, it is your fault, in part.

I was bullied throughout high-school. Not just for a few months, and then focus shifted to someone else. For the whole 4 years of it. Every. Damn. Day. It wasn’t just by one person, it was by everyone I knew. If i didn’t know you, it’s because you never said or did anything to me or about me. If i didn’t know you, it’s because you didn’t hurt me. You were one of the good ones. I didn’t know any of the good ones.

The only friends I had were the ones who sought shelter during the lunch breaks, away from the rest of their tormentors. We seemed to find each others hiding places. This is the only reason we were friends. We didn’t have anything in common except the shared hiding places. I don’t mind admitting that. We weren’t really there for each other, but we were there together.

Life was hell. Part of my life will always be hell. There are scars that you don’t see. Fractures in my brain that ache. Memories that don’t fade, that are dredged up if I feel alone. I don’t know how to love myself. I am not a confident person because I was taught that I wasn’t important, or pretty, or intelligent; what do I have to be confident about? I don’t believe any compliments that people give me, nice things that you have to say. I have a pit in my soul that these good things go, and I sometimes think that pit will never close. That’s what bullying did to me.

That part of my life is over now though. I got through it when I really thought I couldn’t. I’m working really hard on those things now; love, confidence, compliments, how to close that black pit in my soul. So far so good. Like my parents always told me, high-school will be over before you know it, and I’ll have my whole life ahead of me. It’s just really shitting timing that your most integral psychological developmental stage happens at the same time all the really bullshit stuff you’re not equipped to handle comes at you. AMIRIGHT?

Thankfully, my own experience has given me something those horrible kids didn’t have: Compassion. All those bad things have made me the person I am today. It’s why I’m studying to be a psychologist. When people ask me “why that?”, it’s really difficult to answer with “I was bullied as a kid, so now I want to help people who are hurt, because there was no-one to help me”. For as much as I grew up to hate people, I really just want to understand them, I want to learn about them, I want to help them be better people. Maybe I just want to know why those kids did that to me.

 

S.

 

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The Misadventure of Mt Beerburrum.

We’re going on an adventure!

Today is ANZAC Day, a day where Australia and New Zealand remember the sacrifice and mateship of our Aussie heros at Gallipoli in World War II, and the lives that we given to ensure our freedom today. Aussies love a day off too, so if you’re not at a BBQ, at the beach, fishing, camping, doing something, then you’re reallllly missing out on a beautiful day away from work. Steph and I got up ridiculously early (ahem, 7:30am) to start our day. We planned do go for a bit of a mountain climb on Saturday last week, but the weather was a bit iffy, and we chose sleep over action. But hey! public holiday a few days later, up and at em to climb a mountain. Off we toddled, down to the car and on to the highway and drove for about an hour North to the Glasshouse mountains. /insert picture of mountains here/ OK!

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Our destination: Mt Beerburrum. Yep. Beer. mmmmm…. could go for a cold one.

Steph was navigating (this should say it all, really). When we pulled up to the track, I wasn’t 100% sure this was the place we should be. My little car hasn’t been on a dirt road in many a year. But hey, adventures is what we do. “We’ll just wing it”, me, about something we should definitely not wing.

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We’re on a road to nowhere
Come on inside
Taking that ride to nowhere
We’ll take that ride
I’m feeling okay this morning
And you know
We’re on the road to paradise
Here we go, here we go

(thanks, Talking Heads)

 

Nevertheless, your fearless wanderers, Shan & Steph, carried on. What we stumbled on at the end of this little dirt road to nowhere was a beautiful old cemetery for the families and soldiers of World War I. Now I didn’t go to a Dawn Service for our fallen men, but it was so special to happen upon this place on a day so important to our country’s history. I’m comforted in knowing that these soldiers and families out in a tiny little corner of the world were remembered by me and Steph today. 20170425_140421-COLLAGEOnwards and upwards. After a short interlude, we hit the trail. The only trail. The Soldiers Settlers Track. Today was surely fate. Sign says “stay away fools, cuz love rules” “3.5km one way” which means 7km round trip. Which means at least over an hour through the bush. Guy’s it was a bushwalk, and not a super easy one. Plagued with cobwebs, things that scurried out of our path, bushes with needles for leaves. About halfway through our little misadventure, we met another wanderer. He was dark and handsome and very friendly, and even decided to walk with us for the rest of the way. Tell ya what, us two girls alone on in the bush didn’t mind the company. Meet, Brown Dog. Yes. That’s what is says on his collar. Imaginative parents….

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DOGGO!!

Our bushwalk turned into a mission to return the dog home. He just didn’t want to leave us. Not that I minded. We would have happily kept him if our apartment balcony was big enough. What a mission. It took us away from the trail and onto the dirt country roads. It took us up to a Macadamia tree farm, dotted with different properties. But it didn’t take us to Brown Dog’s home. We stopped to chat over a fence with a neighbour to ask if they knew where Dog belonged, and they offered to take him home. #gooddeeddone. Mr Neighbour was also kind enough to point us back in the direction of the path and to our car, because by this time, we were hopelessly lost. Google Maps I’m sure even whispered “What the fuck..” a few times. I definitely heard it. Definitely.

Back into the bush we went. Finally back on track, literally. We found the track. Dodging THE BIGGEST COBWEB YOU’VE SEEN IN YOUR LIFE and shrieking at the worlds smallest snake (TBH it could have just been a baby legless lizard), the car was suddenly in sight. WE MADE IT. Phew. For a minute there, two gals on a bushwalk in the middle of nowhere. Geez, all we needed to do was split up and it would have been a horror movie plot right there.

We made it. We went in and came out the other side. We didn’t die. We did get lost. We certainly didn’t escape unscathed. We had a great little adventure.

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Hot Tip #58, wear Aeroguard. Those mozzies are killers.

We hit the road again, went up the main highway less than 100m and behold, Mt Beerburrum Lookout, Turn Here. 

Maybe next time.

 


They shall not grow old, as we that are left grow old; 

Age shall not weary then, nor the years condemn. 

At the going down on the sun and in the morning

We will remember them. 

Lest we forget. 


 

S.

When is a Working Girl Not a Working Girl? Why, When She’s Unemployed of Course! 

Let me let you in on a little thing. I am going overseas at the end of the year like every good human should do when they’re not ready for the reality of adulthood. I’m going with my best friend Mimi, and my best roommate Steph. It will be a rad super amazing time. BUT to travel, you need money, a source of income. Now, I have a lot of bills. I worked really hard when I was younger, and with a little boost from my dearest grandad, and I brought myself a house for my 21st. It will be a great investment and get’s me in the housing market. There are also many bills that arise from that. As well as renting here where I am now, and the expenses of living, I need a steady stream of income and I had one. Had.

 

Today I was fired. Fired from a job I was still in probation for. I’ve never been fired. In all my working history. I’m a pleasure to work with. I take quick understanding to my role and I’m a damn good kind human who does what is right by her customers. But anyway, I was fired. The management team gave me no grounds for dismissal, instead palming me off to call their HR department. I was informed that because I was still on probation, they wouldn’t deal with it and I should seek clarity from my Team Leader. OK well sure. It doesn’t really matter why, I guess, what’s done is done and it can’t be taken back. And for me, work isn’t everything right now. I have a lot going on, I just need an income. So now I am moving on to find that stream of income so I can fund my immediate life, and also fund a super rad great holiday with the best people I know.

 

Most people freak out about work, and unemployment, and unfair dismissal, or just dismissal in general. But work is only important if that’s the only thing in your life. There will always be other jobs you can do, there will always be other people to work for, there will always be something else. Even if that something is not the same as what you had before. When one door closes, it doesn’t mean they all have. It’s the shove that you need to look at a different industry, learn new skills, learn how to apply old skills to a new task. For me, particularly, at this stage of my life, there is so much more than work. Work is just a means to an end.

 

Since moving away from my little home town, the people I’ve met here have all been from work. I daresay most of the best connections I’ll make with people will be through the workforce. Being employed is more than just a job, it’s the people you meet and the bonds that you grow. If you’re lucky enough, when you part ways those bonds will strengthen into friendships that were built from the lunchroom and grow into your lounge room (preferably with a bottle of wine to share). So leaving one office and starting a new one is just an opportunity to widen that network and to grow those bonds.

 

I will take this unexpected long weekend to catch up on uni, maybe even submit a few assignments early because I’ll have time to do them, rather than be at work all day. I’ll clean my home, which I’ve newly set up with Steph. I’ll go to the afternoon yoga class, that I’ve been neglecting because I’ve been too exhausted to go after work every evening. I’ll organise my working Visa for Canada, because I definitely wouldn’t have been able to do that whilst at work, so I can take the odd job over there to support our adventures. I’ll reach out to my network of friends (all of whom I’ve met through previous jobs) to help me find a new stream of income in whatever field there is.

 

I don’t mind starting again. I will start again and again and again in my life. I’m comfortable with that. I’m comfortable being in this totally uncomfortable position of not knowing what I’m going to do on Monday. I’m comfortable with the thrill of meeting new people and learning new things and becoming really good at it.

 

So here I go, polishing my resume to catch a fish in that stream of income. To find something totally new that I can learn. Wish me luck!

 

S.

Movin’ on up, nothing can stop me.

hey guys. guess what?

wrong.

i MOVED. out of one fabulous apartment and into another. let’s not go into the drama and physical pain that moving down the road actually causes. it’s done now, and i’m so happy with the new place and I’ve had a good few days sleep to recover from it. the new apartment complex is (not gonna lie) really amazing. it comes with more STUFF AND THINGS. man, i tell you, stuff and things are great. my old apartment was beautiful, and vintage and charming. but it didn’t have many facilities for the amount we were paying. I’ve upgraded to a more modern place, with a pool (perfect, now that it’s winter…) a sauna (actually perfect now that it’s winter!) and a gym.

hello, new improved health routine dreams.

my current health routine:

  • barely eats except for the weekend when we go out for breakfast.
  • a few cigarettes and maybe an apple at work if i remember.
  • eats a bunch of chocolate (because it’s Easter, right? so it’s nil calories)
  • yoga – aims for 3-4 classes a week. (it’s Easter break, that’s a good enough excuse to skip out on week or so..)

let’s just make one thing clear about this. i am NOT a gym bunny. i tried that. i might have even fooled myself into liking it for a week at one point. but the thought of going into a male dominated, sweaty environment where i pick things up and put them down? not my thing. i much prefer to do little bits of healthy things. probably like most of you out there, hey? so, let me introduce you to:

my NEW AND IMPROVED HEALTH ROUTINE.

  • barely eats except for the weekend when we go out for breakfast.
  • a few cigarettes and maybe an apple at work if i remember.
  • eats a bunch of chocolate (because it’s Easter, right? so it’s nil calories) Easter is over.
  • yoga – aims for 3-4 classes a week.
  • go for a quick jog 3-4 times a week before heading down to yoga class.
  • i might even start walking to work, it’s closer and technically feasible.

Ah, new home new lease on life. what a time to be alive.

stay golden, like a Lindt Easter Bunny,

S.

A letter.

My dear,

 

i have finally stopped falling for you. our timing was as imperfect as our time together was perfect. i remember that first night you came into my orbit; i was leaving and hesitated because you were like gravity, pulling me in your direction. i came back into that dimly lit bar to ask if i could take your number (lordy, i haven’t done that in a while). my heart raced when i thought of you, and stopped when our lips met. the days easily turned into weeks, spent in bed, spent out together, spent with each other. i learnt so much about you and you opened up parts of myself i didn’t want to show anyone. i fell in love with the depth of your mind, and the breadth of our conversation, and with you. every moment made me crave your company a little more. 

 

we fixed each other’s broken pieces. we fit together. i made you believe in your life again and the joy that an unknown future can hold. you made me glow. through your kindness, you taught me to love myself (thanks for that by the way, probably the best thing any man has ever done for me). we gave each other a piece of our lives for a moment.

 

i should have known better. you were so clear from the start that this wasn’t going to be anything. i fooled myself into it, we both did a little. a smarter women would have protected her heart. you were the smarter man and protected yours. you knew that you would never give your heart to someone as freely as you had before, because it was broken. and it hurt. and you weren’t ready. i used to think that maybe i would be enough, maybe you would see that i would let you find the pieces of yourself that you lost, and i would be there for you. i should have known better. i understand now that we can’t give each other what we want. i had to let you go when all i wanted was to pull you in closer.

 

one day, someone will come into your life and the time will be right, or at least more right that it was for us. and you will love her.

 

i have finally stopped falling for you. i will never stop loving you.

 

S.

Hello, yes, welcome.

hello ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to our lives. well, part of our lives, well, mostly whatever we choose to chat about in regards to our lives. ok, so pretty much everything.

i’ve been thinking for a while that i’d like to put some good vibes out there and write about the adventures great and small that i have with my best friends. so here we are. i’m not an expert, so there will be a great many fun mistakes you get to watch me make along this little journey – grammatically and with my life. but it’s more fun this way, right? (plz agree with me),

let me introduce you to the gal pals i experience the world with. we have steph (left), and mimi (right) (me in the middle). learn more about them by reading my bloggy blogs.

there’s a lot on the horizon for #shanstephmimihavingagoodtime that i’d like to share with you. as well as other stories of misadventures, nights with a glass* (*bottle) of wine, and fun little side notes that make extraordinary out of ordinary days.

so keep posted! in the mean time, i’m going to learn how to use the amazing WordPress to the best of my skills, for the betterment of your viewing pleasure.

stay golden,

S.