I’m sick.

I’m sick and feeling sorry for myself.

The kind of sick that hurts my whole body.

I’m tired to my core, my bones ache.

I don’t even want to be nursed to health, I want to be left alone for a moment.

It’s that time towards the end of the year where everything becomes too much. My mental health is drained, I’m physically exhausted. I need to reset.

I’ve babysat, I’ve been to Toowoomba twice in a 3 weeks, I’ve had my beautiful mother stay, I’ve babysat again, I’ve been to Noosa for a long weekend. None of these are bad things, they just happened all at once. I’m spent.

The working week is over and I’m soaking in a hot bath, looking forward to going to sleep very soon.

I would really like to not be sick.

S.

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Bliss

For those of you who have been following my ups and downs, and I am proud as punch to announce the theme of my life as Bliss.

  1. bliss
    blɪs/
    noun

    1.1.
    perfect happiness; great joy.
    “she gave a sigh of bliss”
    synonyms:
    joy, pleasure, delight, happiness, gladness, ecstasy, elation, rapture, euphoria, heaven, paradise, seventh heaven, cloud nine, Eden, Utopia, Arcadia;

    verb

    informal

    1.2.
    reach a state of perfect happiness, oblivious of everything else.
    “Josh is just blissed out, always smiling”

Bliss is the place I live right now.

Everything is wonderfully good and fun and loving and blissful. How did I end up so happy? How lucky am I to not have anything to complain about? Where did it all go so right?

You know what, who even cares if this feeling doesn’t last forever. I have now and now is good.

My comet has come to stay. He is the moon and I am the planet. Tied to each other by the force of gravity. We have built trust and honesty to overcome all the fears I had.

My roommate is still my best friend. She is supporting my heart and happiness.

My job is just the right balance of doable and challenging. I have good days and hard day’s but no bad days and no bad people.

Life is just so, right now. I will hold on to this goodness as long as I can, and if it goes, it goes. If it stay, I will let it stay.

S.

Trust

“Without Trust, there is no Love”.

True.

I’m in the fledgling stages of a new relationship. Well, an “on-again” relationship. You could say that my comet has come back into orbit. And he was, on the weekend, ablaze with light. I needed to get it out there, into that black void between us, that I couldn’t enter into this again if it was going to be the same trajectory as last time. I couldn’t. I wouldn’t. I won’t. He agreed.

I can’t tell you the exact words of that interaction between us, but I can tell you I felt good. Really good. #warmandfuzzy

But somehow, on a Tuesday afternoon, I find my belly sinking when I think of him. Does he really mean those kind words? Does he think of me? Am I important in his life? Do I even, cosmically speaking, matter? You see, I don’t trust it. I need to be reassured that yes, everything is okay. Yes, we are on the same page. Yes, we both are standing on the ledge this time. Because last time I thought it was fine, I was fine, we were fine, EVERYTHING WAS DAMN FINE, and it wasn’t. Oh gods it totally wasn’t. I stood on that ledge alone, and fell without really knowing it. It wasn’t until those words “I really like you, but..” that the falling stopped feeling like flying and gravity turned it’s attention to me, the ground rushed up to smack me in the face. Is that just going to happen again?

These thoughts are a little insane. I realise that completely. I’m not normally needy and uncertain. I’m confident in myself and sure of what’s good for me. Perhaps the shift in gravitational pull has me a little loopy. Here I am, Frightened and Happy – contradictions that won’t reconcile themselves easily.

I want to trust that the days will turn into weeks, weeks into months, fear into happiness. But these things take time. Fortunately, Time is what I’m willing to give.

Why, Reader, is it all too easy for my fingertips to trust you with this?

S.

Fear

I fear that the balance of love will always be uneven. I fear that I will wake up sometime 10 years from now and be alone in my bed. I fear that I am unlovable, and people waste their time with me until someone better comes along. I fear that I am not enough for those people. I fear that I am too much for others and if I allowed myself the freedom to not hold back, that it would scare them away. I fear letting myself be someone’s second choice and not being brave enough to find that person to whom I am the first choice. Because what if I never find that? I fear I won’t be able to stand it.
All of those #inspirationalquotes telling you that you deserve better, you should be treated like a queen, etc etc, they scare me. The pressure to be all that sits heavily on my chest and won’t let me breathe. I do love myself, I really do. But I was built as half of a whole and I fear being incomplete for my whole life.
S.

I’m So Glad to be a Working Gal Again.

Today marks 1 month at my new job. Hooray!

My first job out of highschool was working for a bank. I was driven, determined and motivated to climb that corporate ladder. I remember the excitement and sense of accomplishment when I got my very own business cards. I had dreams to grow my empire. Unfortunately, that company wasn’t the right place to do it. My drive was halted, my determination was pushed back, my motivation was gone. So I moved cities to find something more. The first steps were tentative – I took the first job I was offered. But it didn’t have the same feeling. I was good at it, but there was no challenge. No opportunity to be more than a number. But it was a gateway to something more.

Now, after 18 months in this new city, after many an unexpected hurdle (both personally and professionally…), I got real lucky. I now work as a recruitment consultant in a smallish branch in Brisbane that’s part of a global brand. The international opportunities are something I’ve only dreamed of, but HELLO REALITY, I’m here for this! #corporateworld

I’ve had 7 years of practice selling other companies products that have given me the tools to sell my self – my skills, personality, and capability. With this, I can be my own brand. I can rely on myself for my success. I’m fostering relationships with existing clients, I’m creating relationships with new clients. I look after my own book. And the rewards for that work come back to me. I get out what I put in. Plain and simple. And I love it.

The little icing on this beautiful cake is of course the people I work with. It’s a small team, but so much change has happened (before I came in) to make it a great team. We have the right people, the right personalities, the right level of fun and competition. It’s makes for a great office to spend my days in.

I’m still learning (gosh there’s so much new stuff to learn!), and it’s challenging every day. But I’m up for it. I can do this.

I actually have a career now, not just a mindless job.

 

S.

The sea and the sky

What do you see when you look out to the blue ocean? What do you see when you look up to the clear sky? Yes, but what do you feel?

I hear in my head a stream of music, I feel in my heart a myriad of emotions. 

Are you on the other shore of that ocean, reader? Maybe you look up to the same sky that I do. We are connected by these strings, crossed and re-crossing. 

S.

A Good Day.

Today was a good day. 

This week has been a good week. 

I can’t pin down exactly what makes it good, it’s just a feeling. My soul feels lighter. 

I took off my pyjamas, I put on a dress I’ve never worn. I felt the sunlight through the window. I went outside again. The cold air has given way to warmth today. 

I talked about what inspired me, what I’m working on, what my goals are. In talking about them, I realised they are real and achievable. I forgot that. I got lost in the darkness that suddenly descended. I was overcome with fear of the future. But like a great fog, this too will lift. 

These days have given me space to breath in a world where time is a commodity. It’s nice to let that go for a change. 

I will not fear tomorrow, it hasn’t happened yet. I will make the best of today. 

Today was a good day. 

S. 

13 Reasons

Hey all.

I just finished watching 13 Reasons Why. It took me less than a week. (golly, being unemployed, I have a lot  of time on my hands). But, like most of you probably, I was hooked. Line and sinker. I had to know how it ended. Unlike most of you, probably, it reminded me too much of my own high-school experience.

Now that there’s a spotlight on it, let’s talk about bullying. That’s what this TV show was about, for the most part, wasn’t it? How bullying effects people in ways that you can’t even imagine? How the littlest things from everyone pile up on that one person? How your throw-away comments can be the straw that breaks the camel’s back? Yes. You don’t know what is going on in someones life, so YES, how you treat that person today is their last straw. And YES, it is your fault, in part.

I was bullied throughout high-school. Not just for a few months, and then focus shifted to someone else. For the whole 4 years of it. Every. Damn. Day. It wasn’t just by one person, it was by everyone I knew. If i didn’t know you, it’s because you never said or did anything to me or about me. If i didn’t know you, it’s because you didn’t hurt me. You were one of the good ones. I didn’t know any of the good ones.

The only friends I had were the ones who sought shelter during the lunch breaks, away from the rest of their tormentors. We seemed to find each others hiding places. This is the only reason we were friends. We didn’t have anything in common except the shared hiding places. I don’t mind admitting that. We weren’t really there for each other, but we were there together.

Life was hell. Part of my life will always be hell. There are scars that you don’t see. Fractures in my brain that ache. Memories that don’t fade, that are dredged up if I feel alone. I don’t know how to love myself. I am not a confident person because I was taught that I wasn’t important, or pretty, or intelligent; what do I have to be confident about? I don’t believe any compliments that people give me, nice things that you have to say. I have a pit in my soul that these good things go, and I sometimes think that pit will never close. That’s what bullying did to me.

That part of my life is over now though. I got through it when I really thought I couldn’t. I’m working really hard on those things now; love, confidence, compliments, how to close that black pit in my soul. So far so good. Like my parents always told me, high-school will be over before you know it, and I’ll have my whole life ahead of me. It’s just really shitting timing that your most integral psychological developmental stage happens at the same time all the really bullshit stuff you’re not equipped to handle comes at you. AMIRIGHT?

Thankfully, my own experience has given me something those horrible kids didn’t have: Compassion. All those bad things have made me the person I am today. It’s why I’m studying to be a psychologist. When people ask me “why that?”, it’s really difficult to answer with “I was bullied as a kid, so now I want to help people who are hurt, because there was no-one to help me”. For as much as I grew up to hate people, I really just want to understand them, I want to learn about them, I want to help them be better people. Maybe I just want to know why those kids did that to me.

 

S.

 

When is a Working Girl Not a Working Girl? Why, When She’s Unemployed of Course! 

Let me let you in on a little thing. I am going overseas at the end of the year like every good human should do when they’re not ready for the reality of adulthood. I’m going with my best friend Mimi, and my best roommate Steph. It will be a rad super amazing time. BUT to travel, you need money, a source of income. Now, I have a lot of bills. I worked really hard when I was younger, and with a little boost from my dearest grandad, and I brought myself a house for my 21st. It will be a great investment and get’s me in the housing market. There are also many bills that arise from that. As well as renting here where I am now, and the expenses of living, I need a steady stream of income and I had one. Had.

 

Today I was fired. Fired from a job I was still in probation for. I’ve never been fired. In all my working history. I’m a pleasure to work with. I take quick understanding to my role and I’m a damn good kind human who does what is right by her customers. But anyway, I was fired. The management team gave me no grounds for dismissal, instead palming me off to call their HR department. I was informed that because I was still on probation, they wouldn’t deal with it and I should seek clarity from my Team Leader. OK well sure. It doesn’t really matter why, I guess, what’s done is done and it can’t be taken back. And for me, work isn’t everything right now. I have a lot going on, I just need an income. So now I am moving on to find that stream of income so I can fund my immediate life, and also fund a super rad great holiday with the best people I know.

 

Most people freak out about work, and unemployment, and unfair dismissal, or just dismissal in general. But work is only important if that’s the only thing in your life. There will always be other jobs you can do, there will always be other people to work for, there will always be something else. Even if that something is not the same as what you had before. When one door closes, it doesn’t mean they all have. It’s the shove that you need to look at a different industry, learn new skills, learn how to apply old skills to a new task. For me, particularly, at this stage of my life, there is so much more than work. Work is just a means to an end.

 

Since moving away from my little home town, the people I’ve met here have all been from work. I daresay most of the best connections I’ll make with people will be through the workforce. Being employed is more than just a job, it’s the people you meet and the bonds that you grow. If you’re lucky enough, when you part ways those bonds will strengthen into friendships that were built from the lunchroom and grow into your lounge room (preferably with a bottle of wine to share). So leaving one office and starting a new one is just an opportunity to widen that network and to grow those bonds.

 

I will take this unexpected long weekend to catch up on uni, maybe even submit a few assignments early because I’ll have time to do them, rather than be at work all day. I’ll clean my home, which I’ve newly set up with Steph. I’ll go to the afternoon yoga class, that I’ve been neglecting because I’ve been too exhausted to go after work every evening. I’ll organise my working Visa for Canada, because I definitely wouldn’t have been able to do that whilst at work, so I can take the odd job over there to support our adventures. I’ll reach out to my network of friends (all of whom I’ve met through previous jobs) to help me find a new stream of income in whatever field there is.

 

I don’t mind starting again. I will start again and again and again in my life. I’m comfortable with that. I’m comfortable being in this totally uncomfortable position of not knowing what I’m going to do on Monday. I’m comfortable with the thrill of meeting new people and learning new things and becoming really good at it.

 

So here I go, polishing my resume to catch a fish in that stream of income. To find something totally new that I can learn. Wish me luck!

 

S.

Movin’ on up, nothing can stop me.

hey guys. guess what?

wrong.

i MOVED. out of one fabulous apartment and into another. let’s not go into the drama and physical pain that moving down the road actually causes. it’s done now, and i’m so happy with the new place and I’ve had a good few days sleep to recover from it. the new apartment complex is (not gonna lie) really amazing. it comes with more STUFF AND THINGS. man, i tell you, stuff and things are great. my old apartment was beautiful, and vintage and charming. but it didn’t have many facilities for the amount we were paying. I’ve upgraded to a more modern place, with a pool (perfect, now that it’s winter…) a sauna (actually perfect now that it’s winter!) and a gym.

hello, new improved health routine dreams.

my current health routine:

  • barely eats except for the weekend when we go out for breakfast.
  • a few cigarettes and maybe an apple at work if i remember.
  • eats a bunch of chocolate (because it’s Easter, right? so it’s nil calories)
  • yoga – aims for 3-4 classes a week. (it’s Easter break, that’s a good enough excuse to skip out on week or so..)

let’s just make one thing clear about this. i am NOT a gym bunny. i tried that. i might have even fooled myself into liking it for a week at one point. but the thought of going into a male dominated, sweaty environment where i pick things up and put them down? not my thing. i much prefer to do little bits of healthy things. probably like most of you out there, hey? so, let me introduce you to:

my NEW AND IMPROVED HEALTH ROUTINE.

  • barely eats except for the weekend when we go out for breakfast.
  • a few cigarettes and maybe an apple at work if i remember.
  • eats a bunch of chocolate (because it’s Easter, right? so it’s nil calories) Easter is over.
  • yoga – aims for 3-4 classes a week.
  • go for a quick jog 3-4 times a week before heading down to yoga class.
  • i might even start walking to work, it’s closer and technically feasible.

Ah, new home new lease on life. what a time to be alive.

stay golden, like a Lindt Easter Bunny,

S.