Life: Love it or Loathe it, it’s here to end.

The eternal paradox of life and death tightens its grip on us, whilst at the same time being challenged by modern science. Centuries before our time, the cycle of life and death was readily accepted. The afterlife was worshipped to be everlasting, with many cultures investing a lot of their time and energy into ensuring a good afterlife (see, Egyptians, Myans, Vikings etc). Life was cyclical. It came and went as the seasons changed.

A fantastic marketing ploy in only the past 100 years has made time liner and fashioned it into a commodity to be earned and spent. A line stretching straight on into the void. This shift in scope has changed our current view of the passage of time. Instead of accepting death as a part of life, science and engineering has aspired to extend our normal cycles to be everlasting. The search for eternal life continues in earnest. Science fiction movies envision suspended hibernation, beings who live beyond our normal human stretch of years. New aged health care, medicines, lifestyles are marketed with the possibility of extending your life, at a price. We can exchange one currency for another. Money for time.

The dramatic events of recent history, Chernobyl, 9/11, the Boxing Day Tsunami,  have made us even more keenly aware of how fragile life is, whilst at the same time still thinking “it won’t happen to me”. Many of us live in the ignorant bliss of our own mortality, whilst quickly passing judgement on others. It’s easier to not think about death. But right there, in really knowing you don’t get to live forever, that you only have this one shot, can we really transcend, can we really appreciate the gift of today and live the best of it. In the immortal words of Eminem, “if you only had one shot, would you take it?” Sure, your new behaviour might be seen as erratic, neurotic even, but only to the people who aren’t on your level.

Refusing to live in constraints given to you by society might be seen as crazy. It might seem enlightened. It might be the encouragement someone else needs to break free of their chains and truly live their best life today. Because you don’t know what will happen tomorrow.

Here is a picture of my cat, Cora, who is free from the ravages of self-awareness and other crippling paradoxes. I think.

Cora

Live in fear of the end of your life, and find freedom in that.

S.

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A Good Day.

Today was a good day. 

This week has been a good week. 

I can’t pin down exactly what makes it good, it’s just a feeling. My soul feels lighter. 

I took off my pyjamas, I put on a dress I’ve never worn. I felt the sunlight through the window. I went outside again. The cold air has given way to warmth today. 

I talked about what inspired me, what I’m working on, what my goals are. In talking about them, I realised they are real and achievable. I forgot that. I got lost in the darkness that suddenly descended. I was overcome with fear of the future. But like a great fog, this too will lift. 

These days have given me space to breath in a world where time is a commodity. It’s nice to let that go for a change. 

I will not fear tomorrow, it hasn’t happened yet. I will make the best of today. 

Today was a good day. 

S. 

Feels like Home To Me.

I find myself sitting on the couch after a long week of sitting on the couch. Yesterday I went for an interview, and I received the follow up call this morning. “We thank you for the time you’ve taken to come and meet with us, unfortunately on this occasion we won’t be proceeding to the next stage.” I can feel the tears welling behind my eyes. I can feel my throat tighten. Now as I sit here on the couch scrolling through Seek.com.au and any other job opportunities I’ve been referred, with The Lord Of The Rings playing in the background, I feel my heart aching for home again.

 

On Monday it was my Grandad’s 80th birthday. Much like Bilbo Baggins was saying, we have a love of peace and quiet, and good tilled earth, a love of things that grow (I dunno, maybe we are Hobbits). When I’m feeling worn down, out of spoons, and out of luck, home is the place that fills me up again. I flew down on Friday night and back again on Sunday afternoon. How I wish I had known before the flights were booked, I would have spent the whole week there.

 

My brother called my on Friday afternoon, and said to get dressed ready to go out when I got there. My friend and roommate Steph had caught an earlier flight and was waiting for me to arrive. So I change out of my jeans and sweatshirt into something less “aeroplane attire” and more “party all night”. The rest of the passengers were all a little taken aback I can imagine. But, I’ve always said, better to be overdressed for any occasion. #OwnIt.  “The eagle has landed,” a quick text to my brother and he was waiting to pick me up. So, out in town we go. I lived here for a few years before moving away. I remember why I left..

 

Early on Saturday morning I am up and ready to go. The drive back home is an hour down the highway, lined with bushland and canefarms. Everything is saturated green and blue. They’re the most vivid colours I’ve seen all year. I think to myself “this is the road home, every time, for my whole life, this is the road home.” This is the bridge I will cross every time. There is no way around it. This in the only crossing on this river unless you drive 6 hours inland to detour. This bridge means I’m 5 minutes from home. You can see my Grandad’s farm on the from the other side.

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Burdekin River Bridge, the “Silver Link”

Turning into our driveway is one of the best feelings in the world. Walking across the yard, through the gate and into the house – retracing my own steps from a thousand times before. Grandad is already here with my older brother. Mum welcomes me at the door. Dad isn’t far off. We are all sitting out under the back roof, overlooking the backyard, the chicken pen beyond the fence, the canfields past that, and up into the blue horizon. Steph is already allergic to the place, covered in bites and rashes and dog scratches. You can take a girl out of the city..

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There’s a 1945 resorted Jeep Willy in the shed that I’ve been telling Steph about. I’m pretty sure actually this is her main motivation for coming here in the first place. So we take it out for a ride around the farm. Crikey. The breaks aren’t good, and power steering didn’t exist in the 40’s. It’s a tough drive. We may have got it bogged in some mud on the headlands too, but the important thing is, we got it out. 3 dogs, 2 girls, 1 jeep. We did alright. We made it back to the farm with time to wash the mud off our legs and get ready for the night.

 

Soon the family starts arriving, coming in twos and threes, until I am encompassed by a feeling of love like a warm blanket in the cold night. Grandad is wandering around his party taking photos with his phone, I can already tell every single one of them will have his blurred finger shadow in the corner. Bless. He is capturing his legacy – a happy family. I wish I could say we are all here, but we’re not. There are 2 cousins missing. Sisters. They didn’t make the trip. I guess they are too young or too stubborn to appreciate the significance of tonight. I can see it in his eyes, if only they would have been here, they would have been forgiven. Love is all my grandad has to give, there is no capacity for malice in his kind heart.

 

It’s time for the speeches. My Dad gets up to say some kind words, my Aunty also does as well, the only daughter. My younger brother has nice things to say. Our youngest cousin says she loves her family. They all look to me. I’m drunk on Pimms and high on dopamine. I stand next to him in front of our whole family. I tell him that I love him, and between him and dad, you’ve shown me the measure of a good man. I don’t know if it was enough, but it was the truth. After the cake was eaten and the dessert was cleaned up, the celebrations for the night are over, but not the fun. Steph is sitting in her chair curled up on her knees, “Why don’t you go to bed if you’re tired honey? It’s been a big day,” my mother says. I know why she’s still here. We’ll be damned if we let any 80 year old party goers outlast us.

 

The next morning is something special. The family comes around for leftovers lunch today, and it’s much more relaxed. I soak in this time just listening and being near them. One uncle has flown in from Perth with his daughter, another from Brisbane with her husband and daughters. Even the ones that live just down the road from our farm, I hardly see them too. I look around and count the many ways I am happy to be here. But it’s over too soon. Steph and I have a plane to catch so we have to pack and leave much too prematurely. Saying goodbye is always the hard part. “When will you be back?” “You can always come and visit us in Perth” “Be sure to drop by whenever you like” “I look forward to seeing you here again”. Then all too soon, we are back in our apartment with our bags dropped on the floor thinking how quickly that weekend went.

 

S.

 

Does Life Happen Because of we Want it to, or it was Bound to?

When you make a decision, conscious or not, how do you make it? Do you think about all the possible angles, outcomes and consequences of that decision? Do you go with your gut? Do you feel backed into a corner and there are no options, just the one route you can take? What about not just you as an individual, what about a whole state, or country? How are decisions made in a larger scope there? Do they lead us down the path already laid down at our feet or a we just as likely and free to choose the path less travelled? There are a lot of questions about free will and whether it exists, and it is exclusive to humans among any species on the planet. To define free will, we may consider “the subjective feeling of an agent either at that moment of decision or in retrospect that the decision is free, and that one might have chosen to decide differently” (Runes, 1962). To believe in free will is to believe that human beings have the power to be creators of their own futures, and to reject the idea that our actions are predetermined by external conditions or fate. The counter argument is that our lives are already determined by the actions gone before, and whatever choices we make moving forward is not actually a choice at all, but rather the only possible outcome (Bargh & Chartrand, 1999).  As one science fiction writer beautiful portrays, determinism is that “all of this has happened before and all of this will happen again” (Glen A. Larson, 2004)

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Consider the symbols that appear recurring throughout human history. Very often, there are strong similarities that cannot be thought of as coincidental between cultures separated by vast distances of time and land. The mandala, the symbol of the self, has been recreated over history showing different forms but all having the same meaning. The ancient people of Egypt projected many of their personality traits into a world of gods, enabling them to identify parts of themselves in these deities, and look for guidance from them. The Northmen of the 17th Century, Vikings, also had a hall of deities, who they believed were once human and have reached eternal life in Valhalla through a life of sacrifice and victory. They looked onto these beings to deliver them and guide their ways, interpreting meaning from the movement of the sea and the seasons of the earth.

 

Religion is a strong way to project your own thoughts and feelings and find answers. Nowadays however, religion is being shunned for a nihilistic view. Instead of adorning their lives with holy epitaphs, people are adoring their bodies with symbols that have a unique meaning to them. Tattoo their flesh to identify their own self and individuality amongst the crowd. Was there any other outcome but this? Will there be any other future but the one already unfolding?

 

Many theories have been advanced over the years to determine why humans act the way they do. It is one of the cornerstone curiosities of psychology – seeking to understand human thought, emotions and behaviors. Free will vs Determinism. Both have a huge amount of support for them, so is either one of them “right”? or do they work together to allow humans to conduct their lives?

 

To progress understanding of human behavior, theories needed to have more stringent requirements to evaluate the efficacy and empiricism of the theory. They need to be testable. the forefront of learning as a social concept was A Bandura (1969) who proposed his social learning as a theory through which the observer acquires a mainly symbolic representation of the modelled behavior. Developments in learning theory for causal analysis shifted from the hypothesized sense of inner determinates to a broader yet detailed examination of the external environment. The theory was updated to reflect how the environment, both socially and physically, shaped human behavior and action. We can learn from observation, this means instead of having to experience all the uniqueness of life ourselves to know the outcome, we are able to build large, integrated units of behavior simply by watching another example. It means that humans can save themselves a lot of time and tedious trial and error by simply observing an action and outcome. Also, with the development of cognitive ability, this also enables us to think on future actions. The wealth of knowledge gained by experience and observation can be applied mentally to problem solving, we can solve problems symbolically, without having to physically act out each possible scenario to see the consequence. When a course of action has been mentally proposed, we have the insight to adjust our behavior to support the desired outcome (Albert Bandura & Walters, 1977).

 

This social learning theory was developed and applied recently by Nemon (2015), who examined the relationship on parent’s scheduling to their child’s effectiveness in completing their homework. What was found that parents who have poor time management skills is reflected directly in their children’s time management ability. Improvements suggested in this study were to simply change the modeled behavior of the primary source (Nemon, 2015). There have also been further studies into the relationships between parents and peers to children and adolescent behavior that offer more support to this theory, readily identifying the modeled behavior is learnt purely through observation (Norman & Ford, 2015; Schaefer, Vito, Marcum, Higgins, & Ricketts, 2015). These more recent studies take the theory of social learning and apply it outside of a laboratory, in real world examples. The outcomes support the theory, giving it strength, and the solutions to improve the situation also are in line with the same theory. Primarily, social learning theory support the idea of determinism in the sense that our actions are so because of constructs we have learned in the past. There is only one possible outcome due to the circumstance we have intrinsically become accustomed to. To break away from the pre-determined outcome would be to display the notion of free will – which has not been supported in these studies.

 

Social learning is also supported and supports the theory of behaviorism as it equates learning to the behavior that can be observed an measured. Skinner (1953) proposed that all actions are determined, and not free, as behavioral theorist look to past or present environments to explain behavior.

 

There are still many prevailing philosophies that strive to recognize the internal human nature of “will” giving the power to override environmental causalities (Van Inwagen, 1983). If this is true, it would suggest the ability to make predictions and control behavior to be impossible. However, there is boundless support for behavior predicting and manipulation (Pavlov & Anrep, 2003; Skinner, 1953; Watson, 1913). As one of the main proponents of behaviorism, Skinner strongly supports a deterministic human nature. “We regard the common man as the product of his environment, yet we reserve the right to give personal credit to great men for their achievements” (Skinner, 1953). Riedel, Heiby, and Kopetskie (2001) have recently adapted behaviorism theories to apply to bipolar patients to investigate the effects of conditioning and understanding behavior, building the application of these theories to transition from theories into practical treatment and therapy processes.

 

A challenging argument to those theories lies in this humanistic approach to psychology. It was first introduced by Maslow and Lewis (1987) as an emphasis to study the whole person. The humanistic approach considers a person’s behavior through the eyes of the person, as well as the observer, which in this case in unique to the theories discussed previously. This enables the observed to consider all angles that has led a person to come to a decision. The basis for humanistic psychology is existential assumption that people have free will, and are capable of exercising that freedom at any time (McLeod, 2015). For humanistic psychologists, it is argued that objective reality is less important than how a person perceives and understand their world as their subjective reality (McLeod, 2015). It relates all events and experiences not just for what they are but the emotional and psychological impact it has on the person themselves. This approach allows us to have a much more holistic view of an individual and their experience in this world, as nothing but our own unique experiences shape the person we become. Rogers (1995) has found profound understanding in simply listening and hearing what a person has to say about their experiences. As a person strives for self-actualization, being heard and having their peers understand the plight gives strength and positive reinforcement to continue forwards (Frankel, Sommerbeck, & Rachlin, 2010).

 

The limitation of this theory of self-actualization is very limited in the sense that it cannot be generalized to a larger population as every person is unique, and no two experiences are the same. This in turn means the theory has no empirical strength, and would take a lifetime to complete. It also has a strong bias to a person’s ideal self, where they actions may be justified by their own ego. The arguments for social learning and behaviorism are easily hypothesized and transferrable to real-life studies with proven results. Based on previous research and evidence to support, the argument for free will is in stark contrast to that of  A Bandura (1969) and Skinner (1953).

 

Whilst there is support for both arguments to the human condition, it is difficult to surpass the alignment of determinism. It’s a nihilistic view, but you don’t really have a choice. Based on your environment and upbringing, everything you’re exposed to has an influence on your personality, traits that you pick up, your behavior in certain situations. No decision could ever be “free” of yourself, unless you had someone else make a decision for you, blind of all your influencing factors.

 

 

S.

13 Reasons

Hey all.

I just finished watching 13 Reasons Why. It took me less than a week. (golly, being unemployed, I have a lot  of time on my hands). But, like most of you probably, I was hooked. Line and sinker. I had to know how it ended. Unlike most of you, probably, it reminded me too much of my own high-school experience.

Now that there’s a spotlight on it, let’s talk about bullying. That’s what this TV show was about, for the most part, wasn’t it? How bullying effects people in ways that you can’t even imagine? How the littlest things from everyone pile up on that one person? How your throw-away comments can be the straw that breaks the camel’s back? Yes. You don’t know what is going on in someones life, so YES, how you treat that person today is their last straw. And YES, it is your fault, in part.

I was bullied throughout high-school. Not just for a few months, and then focus shifted to someone else. For the whole 4 years of it. Every. Damn. Day. It wasn’t just by one person, it was by everyone I knew. If i didn’t know you, it’s because you never said or did anything to me or about me. If i didn’t know you, it’s because you didn’t hurt me. You were one of the good ones. I didn’t know any of the good ones.

The only friends I had were the ones who sought shelter during the lunch breaks, away from the rest of their tormentors. We seemed to find each others hiding places. This is the only reason we were friends. We didn’t have anything in common except the shared hiding places. I don’t mind admitting that. We weren’t really there for each other, but we were there together.

Life was hell. Part of my life will always be hell. There are scars that you don’t see. Fractures in my brain that ache. Memories that don’t fade, that are dredged up if I feel alone. I don’t know how to love myself. I am not a confident person because I was taught that I wasn’t important, or pretty, or intelligent; what do I have to be confident about? I don’t believe any compliments that people give me, nice things that you have to say. I have a pit in my soul that these good things go, and I sometimes think that pit will never close. That’s what bullying did to me.

That part of my life is over now though. I got through it when I really thought I couldn’t. I’m working really hard on those things now; love, confidence, compliments, how to close that black pit in my soul. So far so good. Like my parents always told me, high-school will be over before you know it, and I’ll have my whole life ahead of me. It’s just really shitting timing that your most integral psychological developmental stage happens at the same time all the really bullshit stuff you’re not equipped to handle comes at you. AMIRIGHT?

Thankfully, my own experience has given me something those horrible kids didn’t have: Compassion. All those bad things have made me the person I am today. It’s why I’m studying to be a psychologist. When people ask me “why that?”, it’s really difficult to answer with “I was bullied as a kid, so now I want to help people who are hurt, because there was no-one to help me”. For as much as I grew up to hate people, I really just want to understand them, I want to learn about them, I want to help them be better people. Maybe I just want to know why those kids did that to me.

 

S.

 

The Misadventure of Mt Beerburrum.

We’re going on an adventure!

Today is ANZAC Day, a day where Australia and New Zealand remember the sacrifice and mateship of our Aussie heros at Gallipoli in World War II, and the lives that we given to ensure our freedom today. Aussies love a day off too, so if you’re not at a BBQ, at the beach, fishing, camping, doing something, then you’re reallllly missing out on a beautiful day away from work. Steph and I got up ridiculously early (ahem, 7:30am) to start our day. We planned do go for a bit of a mountain climb on Saturday last week, but the weather was a bit iffy, and we chose sleep over action. But hey! public holiday a few days later, up and at em to climb a mountain. Off we toddled, down to the car and on to the highway and drove for about an hour North to the Glasshouse mountains. /insert picture of mountains here/ OK!

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Our destination: Mt Beerburrum. Yep. Beer. mmmmm…. could go for a cold one.

Steph was navigating (this should say it all, really). When we pulled up to the track, I wasn’t 100% sure this was the place we should be. My little car hasn’t been on a dirt road in many a year. But hey, adventures is what we do. “We’ll just wing it”, me, about something we should definitely not wing.

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We’re on a road to nowhere
Come on inside
Taking that ride to nowhere
We’ll take that ride
I’m feeling okay this morning
And you know
We’re on the road to paradise
Here we go, here we go

(thanks, Talking Heads)

 

Nevertheless, your fearless wanderers, Shan & Steph, carried on. What we stumbled on at the end of this little dirt road to nowhere was a beautiful old cemetery for the families and soldiers of World War I. Now I didn’t go to a Dawn Service for our fallen men, but it was so special to happen upon this place on a day so important to our country’s history. I’m comforted in knowing that these soldiers and families out in a tiny little corner of the world were remembered by me and Steph today. 20170425_140421-COLLAGEOnwards and upwards. After a short interlude, we hit the trail. The only trail. The Soldiers Settlers Track. Today was surely fate. Sign says “stay away fools, cuz love rules” “3.5km one way” which means 7km round trip. Which means at least over an hour through the bush. Guy’s it was a bushwalk, and not a super easy one. Plagued with cobwebs, things that scurried out of our path, bushes with needles for leaves. About halfway through our little misadventure, we met another wanderer. He was dark and handsome and very friendly, and even decided to walk with us for the rest of the way. Tell ya what, us two girls alone on in the bush didn’t mind the company. Meet, Brown Dog. Yes. That’s what is says on his collar. Imaginative parents….

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DOGGO!!

Our bushwalk turned into a mission to return the dog home. He just didn’t want to leave us. Not that I minded. We would have happily kept him if our apartment balcony was big enough. What a mission. It took us away from the trail and onto the dirt country roads. It took us up to a Macadamia tree farm, dotted with different properties. But it didn’t take us to Brown Dog’s home. We stopped to chat over a fence with a neighbour to ask if they knew where Dog belonged, and they offered to take him home. #gooddeeddone. Mr Neighbour was also kind enough to point us back in the direction of the path and to our car, because by this time, we were hopelessly lost. Google Maps I’m sure even whispered “What the fuck..” a few times. I definitely heard it. Definitely.

Back into the bush we went. Finally back on track, literally. We found the track. Dodging THE BIGGEST COBWEB YOU’VE SEEN IN YOUR LIFE and shrieking at the worlds smallest snake (TBH it could have just been a baby legless lizard), the car was suddenly in sight. WE MADE IT. Phew. For a minute there, two gals on a bushwalk in the middle of nowhere. Geez, all we needed to do was split up and it would have been a horror movie plot right there.

We made it. We went in and came out the other side. We didn’t die. We did get lost. We certainly didn’t escape unscathed. We had a great little adventure.

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Hot Tip #58, wear Aeroguard. Those mozzies are killers.

We hit the road again, went up the main highway less than 100m and behold, Mt Beerburrum Lookout, Turn Here. 

Maybe next time.

 


They shall not grow old, as we that are left grow old; 

Age shall not weary then, nor the years condemn. 

At the going down on the sun and in the morning

We will remember them. 

Lest we forget. 


 

S.

When is a Working Girl Not a Working Girl? Why, When She’s Unemployed of Course! 

Let me let you in on a little thing. I am going overseas at the end of the year like every good human should do when they’re not ready for the reality of adulthood. I’m going with my best friend Mimi, and my best roommate Steph. It will be a rad super amazing time. BUT to travel, you need money, a source of income. Now, I have a lot of bills. I worked really hard when I was younger, and with a little boost from my dearest grandad, and I brought myself a house for my 21st. It will be a great investment and get’s me in the housing market. There are also many bills that arise from that. As well as renting here where I am now, and the expenses of living, I need a steady stream of income and I had one. Had.

 

Today I was fired. Fired from a job I was still in probation for. I’ve never been fired. In all my working history. I’m a pleasure to work with. I take quick understanding to my role and I’m a damn good kind human who does what is right by her customers. But anyway, I was fired. The management team gave me no grounds for dismissal, instead palming me off to call their HR department. I was informed that because I was still on probation, they wouldn’t deal with it and I should seek clarity from my Team Leader. OK well sure. It doesn’t really matter why, I guess, what’s done is done and it can’t be taken back. And for me, work isn’t everything right now. I have a lot going on, I just need an income. So now I am moving on to find that stream of income so I can fund my immediate life, and also fund a super rad great holiday with the best people I know.

 

Most people freak out about work, and unemployment, and unfair dismissal, or just dismissal in general. But work is only important if that’s the only thing in your life. There will always be other jobs you can do, there will always be other people to work for, there will always be something else. Even if that something is not the same as what you had before. When one door closes, it doesn’t mean they all have. It’s the shove that you need to look at a different industry, learn new skills, learn how to apply old skills to a new task. For me, particularly, at this stage of my life, there is so much more than work. Work is just a means to an end.

 

Since moving away from my little home town, the people I’ve met here have all been from work. I daresay most of the best connections I’ll make with people will be through the workforce. Being employed is more than just a job, it’s the people you meet and the bonds that you grow. If you’re lucky enough, when you part ways those bonds will strengthen into friendships that were built from the lunchroom and grow into your lounge room (preferably with a bottle of wine to share). So leaving one office and starting a new one is just an opportunity to widen that network and to grow those bonds.

 

I will take this unexpected long weekend to catch up on uni, maybe even submit a few assignments early because I’ll have time to do them, rather than be at work all day. I’ll clean my home, which I’ve newly set up with Steph. I’ll go to the afternoon yoga class, that I’ve been neglecting because I’ve been too exhausted to go after work every evening. I’ll organise my working Visa for Canada, because I definitely wouldn’t have been able to do that whilst at work, so I can take the odd job over there to support our adventures. I’ll reach out to my network of friends (all of whom I’ve met through previous jobs) to help me find a new stream of income in whatever field there is.

 

I don’t mind starting again. I will start again and again and again in my life. I’m comfortable with that. I’m comfortable being in this totally uncomfortable position of not knowing what I’m going to do on Monday. I’m comfortable with the thrill of meeting new people and learning new things and becoming really good at it.

 

So here I go, polishing my resume to catch a fish in that stream of income. To find something totally new that I can learn. Wish me luck!

 

S.

Movin’ on up, nothing can stop me.

hey guys. guess what?

wrong.

i MOVED. out of one fabulous apartment and into another. let’s not go into the drama and physical pain that moving down the road actually causes. it’s done now, and i’m so happy with the new place and I’ve had a good few days sleep to recover from it. the new apartment complex is (not gonna lie) really amazing. it comes with more STUFF AND THINGS. man, i tell you, stuff and things are great. my old apartment was beautiful, and vintage and charming. but it didn’t have many facilities for the amount we were paying. I’ve upgraded to a more modern place, with a pool (perfect, now that it’s winter…) a sauna (actually perfect now that it’s winter!) and a gym.

hello, new improved health routine dreams.

my current health routine:

  • barely eats except for the weekend when we go out for breakfast.
  • a few cigarettes and maybe an apple at work if i remember.
  • eats a bunch of chocolate (because it’s Easter, right? so it’s nil calories)
  • yoga – aims for 3-4 classes a week. (it’s Easter break, that’s a good enough excuse to skip out on week or so..)

let’s just make one thing clear about this. i am NOT a gym bunny. i tried that. i might have even fooled myself into liking it for a week at one point. but the thought of going into a male dominated, sweaty environment where i pick things up and put them down? not my thing. i much prefer to do little bits of healthy things. probably like most of you out there, hey? so, let me introduce you to:

my NEW AND IMPROVED HEALTH ROUTINE.

  • barely eats except for the weekend when we go out for breakfast.
  • a few cigarettes and maybe an apple at work if i remember.
  • eats a bunch of chocolate (because it’s Easter, right? so it’s nil calories) Easter is over.
  • yoga – aims for 3-4 classes a week.
  • go for a quick jog 3-4 times a week before heading down to yoga class.
  • i might even start walking to work, it’s closer and technically feasible.

Ah, new home new lease on life. what a time to be alive.

stay golden, like a Lindt Easter Bunny,

S.

A letter.

My dear,

 

i have finally stopped falling for you. our timing was as imperfect as our time together was perfect. i remember that first night you came into my orbit; i was leaving and hesitated because you were like gravity, pulling me in your direction. i came back into that dimly lit bar to ask if i could take your number (lordy, i haven’t done that in a while). my heart raced when i thought of you, and stopped when our lips met. the days easily turned into weeks, spent in bed, spent out together, spent with each other. i learnt so much about you and you opened up parts of myself i didn’t want to show anyone. i fell in love with the depth of your mind, and the breadth of our conversation, and with you. every moment made me crave your company a little more. 

 

we fixed each other’s broken pieces. we fit together. i made you believe in your life again and the joy that an unknown future can hold. you made me glow. through your kindness, you taught me to love myself (thanks for that by the way, probably the best thing any man has ever done for me). we gave each other a piece of our lives for a moment.

 

i should have known better. you were so clear from the start that this wasn’t going to be anything. i fooled myself into it, we both did a little. a smarter women would have protected her heart. you were the smarter man and protected yours. you knew that you would never give your heart to someone as freely as you had before, because it was broken. and it hurt. and you weren’t ready. i used to think that maybe i would be enough, maybe you would see that i would let you find the pieces of yourself that you lost, and i would be there for you. i should have known better. i understand now that we can’t give each other what we want. i had to let you go when all i wanted was to pull you in closer.

 

one day, someone will come into your life and the time will be right, or at least more right that it was for us. and you will love her.

 

i have finally stopped falling for you. i will never stop loving you.

 

S.

Hello, yes, welcome.

hello ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to our lives. well, part of our lives, well, mostly whatever we choose to chat about in regards to our lives. ok, so pretty much everything.

i’ve been thinking for a while that i’d like to put some good vibes out there and write about the adventures great and small that i have with my best friends. so here we are. i’m not an expert, so there will be a great many fun mistakes you get to watch me make along this little journey – grammatically and with my life. but it’s more fun this way, right? (plz agree with me),

let me introduce you to the gal pals i experience the world with. we have steph (left), and mimi (right) (me in the middle). learn more about them by reading my bloggy blogs.

there’s a lot on the horizon for #shanstephmimihavingagoodtime that i’d like to share with you. as well as other stories of misadventures, nights with a glass* (*bottle) of wine, and fun little side notes that make extraordinary out of ordinary days.

so keep posted! in the mean time, i’m going to learn how to use the amazing WordPress to the best of my skills, for the betterment of your viewing pleasure.

stay golden,

S.