The F word.

It’s a hell of a lot easier to write about heartbreak than it is about love.

But hey, we’ve done the heartbreaks. Now for the mended outcome: I’m so very happy where we are right now. Locked in the celestial dance of moon and sun, both shining.

I’ve even been confident enough to broach that subject which I’ve been scared of. The Future. Yes. The Future. It has weighed heavily on my mind for a few weeks now.

First the big question: Will you get married again? Would you want to marry me?

Fairly innocent, but let’s be honest. I would happily spend my life with this guy. I will never be tired of his ramblings. Of his affection. Of his busy mind. Of his plans and goals.

But guys, this isn’t a proposal. Put you streamers and balloons away. It’s a dream. Just hopefully a shared dream. Time will tell.

Then something easier: Do you want to move in together next year? My lease comes up in August and I’d really like to consider that. We spend a lot of time together anyway.

The moving in thing though. There are some things to think about. We’re not both financially stable enough to support that yet. He is in a start-up, building an incredible company, but struggling to make money. We’ll see how that goes. I don’t have any reserve finances to lay out furnishings for an apartment. So August next year gives time to sort those things out.

Cue drunken conversations about our respective roommates, past roommates, ex-wives, emotional baggage still being unpacked. He’s a complex man. There are a lot of things he is working through internally to be a better human. To be a better partner. To resolve parts of his mind that have become dark. To learn how to live with shade and light and not be overcome. I love that. I respect the hell out of that. I support that.

Without being too heavy, it was a good conversation to have. It’s good for him to understand what I want out of life, and who I’d like to do it with. It’s good for me to understand where his limits are and where they move to. We can’t pretend that we are something else. We can’t expect the other person to just know. It’s good to be honest, it’s even better to know your honesty will be supported.

Coming to you live, from my happy place.

S.

Advertisements

Fear

I fear that the balance of love will always be uneven. I fear that I will wake up sometime 10 years from now and be alone in my bed. I fear that I am unlovable, and people waste their time with me until someone better comes along. I fear that I am not enough for those people. I fear that I am too much for others and if I allowed myself the freedom to not hold back, that it would scare them away. I fear letting myself be someone’s second choice and not being brave enough to find that person to whom I am the first choice. Because what if I never find that? I fear I won’t be able to stand it.
All of those #inspirationalquotes telling you that you deserve better, you should be treated like a queen, etc etc, they scare me. The pressure to be all that sits heavily on my chest and won’t let me breathe. I do love myself, I really do. But I was built as half of a whole and I fear being incomplete for my whole life.
S.