I’m sick and feeling sorry for myself.
The kind of sick that hurts my whole body.
I’m tired to my core, my bones ache.
I don’t even want to be nursed to health, I want to be left alone for a moment.
It’s that time towards the end of the year where everything becomes too much. My mental health is drained, I’m physically exhausted. I need to reset.
I’ve babysat, I’ve been to Toowoomba twice in a 3 weeks, I’ve had my beautiful mother stay, I’ve babysat again, I’ve been to Noosa for a long weekend. None of these are bad things, they just happened all at once. I’m spent.
The working week is over and I’m soaking in a hot bath, looking forward to going to sleep very soon.
I would really like to not be sick.
I fear that the balance of love will always be uneven. I fear that I will wake up sometime 10 years from now and be alone in my bed. I fear that I am unlovable, and people waste their time with me until someone better comes along. I fear that I am not enough for those people. I fear that I am too much for others and if I allowed myself the freedom to not hold back, that it would scare them away. I fear letting myself be someone’s second choice and not being brave enough to find that person to whom I am the first choice. Because what if I never find that? I fear I won’t be able to stand it.
All of those #inspirationalquotes telling you that you deserve better, you should be treated like a queen, etc etc, they scare me. The pressure to be all that sits heavily on my chest and won’t let me breathe. I do love myself, I really do. But I was built as half of a whole and I fear being incomplete for my whole life.